Bogus Apocalypse predictions are just the beginning
Harold Camping, an 89-year-old preacher in California, predicted that Judgment Day would occur Saturday, May 21, 2011, resulting in massive earthquakes and other natural disasters while the Rapture would transport the saved up to Heaven.
Since nothing came to pass except for another day on the calendar, one can draw either one of two conclusions. First, nothing happened because there was no one worthy of saving, and all the sinners on Earth are currently living in the Apocalypse (which will probably come in the form of a Jersey Shore marathon). Or second, Harold Camping was wrong.
This wouldn’t be the first time Camping came up short when predicting the End of Days. He wrote a book entitled 1994? in which he predicted that Sept. 6, 1994 would see the world come to an end. He later claimed that his prediction was based on incomplete evidence and that his latest prediction of May 21, 2011 was airtight.
Now that his latest prediction has fallen flat, many are disparaging the man for making irresponsible claims. Okay, sure he was wrong. And sure his incorrect prediction caused a number of foolish but well-intentioned people to sell all their belongings in preparation for the big day. But Camping keeps trying. He’s not a quitter. He may have two strikes against him, but so did Babe Ruth before belting that famous home run he called back in the 1932 World Series.
So in that same spirit, here are three predictions about the future of the NBA that may or may not come true, based entirely on accurate, trustworthy, foolproof guesses. Hey, you can’t be prophetic if you don’t take a guess, now can you?
June 23, 2011: T-Wolves draft Kyrie Irving, have all point guard lineup
The Minnesota Timberwolves have the second pick of the 2011 NBA Draft, and after Cleveland selects Derrick Williams No. 1 overall to give the team an inside presence, Minnesota GM David Kahn will jump for joy that he can now select Kyrie Irving at No. 2.
But that will just be the start for Kahn and his obsession with point guards. Later this summer, Ricky Rubio will announce that he will finally play in the NBA, joining the T-Wolves at long last. Then Kahn will offer Detroit Pistons point guard Rodney Stuckey, who will be a restricted free agent, a 5-year, $45 million contract that the Pistons will not match once the lockout ends and teams are allowed to sign free agents again.
The Timberwolves will then trot out a starting lineup, under the direction of Kahn, of Irving, Rubio, Stuckey, and returning point guards Jonny Flynn and Luke Ridnour. The furious pace of play the five-point guard lineup lends itself to will overwhelm opposing teams and take the league by storm, making Kevin Love and Michael Beasley expendable, as Minnesota wins 65 games and the NBA title.
Kahn is labeled a genius and proves that size doesn’t always win in the NBA.
July 2012: Dwight Howard and Chris Paul take their talents to South Beach
LeBron James, furious that his All-Star roster in Miami has come up short in its quest for a title in two straight seasons, decides he needs more help. He recruits both Dwight Howard and Chris Paul to Miami, filling the holes in the starting lineup that were not yet filled by All-Star players.
James offers to share Chris Bosh’s salary with both Howard and Paul since both can only sign for the veteran’s minimum.
Howard announces his “Decision” at Disney World in Orlando while wearing Mickey Mouse ears before taking his talents approximately 235 miles south — once again making Orlando irrelevant to everyone except vacationing families during summer break.
Meanwhile, Paul will go the more subtle route, announcing his intentions during a toast at a friend’s wedding, upon which Miami president Pat Riley will emerge from the bushes with contract in hand for Paul to sign on the spot. The announcement will devastate the New Orleans community, which will be devastated even more by the arrival of Hurricane Chris four days later, leaving the city under water seven years after Hurricane Katrina hit.
President Barack Obama will declare the city a natural disaster, Kanye West will claim Paul does not care about Black people, and the country will be left wondering which Chris did the most irreparable harm to New Orleans — the one that arrived or the one who left.
2015: Seattle gets a new team
With the new Collective Bargaining Agreement making teams profitable again and the economy back on sound footing, the NBA decides that expansion is the way to go, granting the Seattle area a new team. Team co-owners Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton bring back the original color scheme and the old mascot, Squatch, reigniting the fan base.
Nate McMillan is hired as head coach with Detlef Schrempf, Sam Perkins, and Hersey Hawkins as assistants, but the team struggles in its first year. Kemp and Payton contemplate a comeback before Kemp tears his hamstring trying to dunk. The team decides its best bet is to sue Oklahoma City for custody of Kevin Durant, saying he was stolen from Seattle when he was just 20 years old.
The courts decide against the Sonics and the team spends four more years struggling in Seattle before moving to Las Vegas.
By: Eric Lorenz
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